There are very few things in this life that are certain: (1) hot dogs are sandwiches, (2) frosting is a condiment, and (3) when KitchenAid releases the teaser for its color of the year, my colleagues and I are allowed to make very serious, very batshit predictions about what it will be.
That day, my friends, is today. Their launch page claims it’s about salt, but…we’re not so sure. After all, this is the year of AI, and hallucinations are the name of the game.
Here’s what we have to go on while we wait for the February 8 confirmation: In the clip, we see a cube of Northern-lights-tinted ice. A vague, uplifting bop plays as the block cracks and fractures in a gorgeous, menacing swirl of blue, green, and purple. At its core, a deep red and grey heart pulses. The caption mentions breaking through monotony. Does this mean breaking free, or just breaking in general? My money is on the beauty of despair, the passage of time, and pain, both literal and figurative. After all, 2024 has hardly promised anything better thus far.
Prediction #1: Nine-Month Cruise Post–Drake Passage Pink
If slate grey and the height of consumerism had a baby, this post-Daiquiri vom “pink” mixer would keep you wonderful company as you beat your batters and cream your butter. After all, why not experience the churn from your cookie dough’s point of view? I, for one, want it. I need it! Give it to me! Give it to me now!!
Prediction #2: Winter Barbie Blue
It’s Barbie, but it’s Barbie the moment her irrepressible thoughts of death hit. This actually works, because we’re done with pink and because that moment was aesthetic in a way we’ll see scattered across TikTok for at least a year to come. There’s no world in which this drop doesn’t actually draw some dotted line to Barbie. Or to Travis Kelce somehow? Not Taylor, that’d be too obvious. Anyway, I bet the color “Slurpee blue” is his fav.
Prediction #3: Mood Ring
Did you begin that batch of brownies thinking it’d fix everything? Did you decide to whip a little cream just to make it all go away? Nice try, but it sure fucking won’t, and this color-shifting hue is gonna make sure you never forget it.
Prediction #4: Frigid Death Blue
Like Mood Ring, it can’t be defined as any one color. It’s best described as the shade of life draining from you, the ice setting into your veins. Maybe you’ll have the good fortune of good ‘ol John Torrington—maybe someone will dig you up one day.
Prediction #5: Black Hole Black
Just don’t get too close, or time will become ever slower as you almost, but never quite, get your cup of flour into the mixer bowl. It’s all for the best, though. The results would have been way too dense.
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